Let’s face it, bad games are brilliant. As long as you didn’t do anything stupid like actually spend money on one, there’s hours of fun to be had just savouring the failure.
Great games? They need no help. Mediocrity is never enjoyable. A true stinker on the other hand, a bad idea executed hilariously poorly, is a thing of beauty. The only real problem is where to draw the line. Here are 15 of the worst games ever made.
1. Animal
In-game advertising makes everyone cross, but what if the game itself was the advert? Yo! Noid, One Step Beyond, Spot… there were several of these bad ideas (although Spot was actually fun) but Animal was both the worst and the most inexplicable. A point-and-click adventure starring the poo-like Peperami mascot and voiced by Adrian Edmondson at his most shrieking. Really? Well, yes, and one of the most boring point and-click adventures you can imagine at that. Tedious puzzles and a completely forgettable world aside, it put its cards on the table early on by constantly insulting you for playing it. You deserved its scorn. The scorn of a game about a sausage mascot, which you’d actually gone out and bought with real money. Think on that and realise you’d never scrub away the shame, even if you used a wire brush.
2. Limbo of the Lost
There’s a puzzle in this adventure where you need to give someone a bottle of green water. No problem, right? You’ve got a green bottle. Oh, but water’s blue, isn’t it? Never mind. Just add a bit of yellow saffron! When people talk about Limbo of the Lost, they usually focus on its minor faux-pas of being a commercial game that blatantly stole all its graphics from games like Oblivion and Wolfenstein, but that’s unfair. It’s so much worse than that, on a level so twisted, it borders on genius. The kind they keep in a padded cell to stop him picking fights with Batman. One minute you’re stumbling through empty caves (stolen from Painkiller), the next exploring Death’s house (stolen from Thief 3), the next solving a murder mystery in a game whose plot is never actually explained. It’s so insane, it could actually have been funny, except for the fact that it’s torture and will make you want to cry.
3. Hellboy
Normally, when developers come down to show off their hard work,it’s considered polite to watch,ask some questions, and hold off on the gallows. Hellboy had an entire room of journalists rolling in laughter from the first line of dialogue. The only problem: it’s not a comedy. After apparently vanishing, it hid in shame for years, aside from a demo with some of the worst voice over work this side of House of the Dead, until a reader finally tracked down a copy for its long-overdue scourging. Luckily, it came long before the movie, so not too many people ever fell prey to its awful controls, combat that made Resident Evil embarrassed, and those awful, awful graphics. Firing it up to make sure, just for the record, that it really was that bad, I managed to get to the end of the first level before microwaving the disc. For this, I deserve many, many gold medals.
4. The You Testament
Aside from classic gods and fantasy, games typically avoid religion in the name of an easy life. The You Testament… goes a different direction. So bad, yet apparently so sincere, philosophers could argue for years about whether it’s actually the best troll ever, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s a game about following Jesus around, and occasionally punching him in the face by accident. Sometimes he turns the other cheek, sometimes he threatens to kill you dead. That’s what you get when the combat comes straight from a wrestling game. Later, you gain religion-themed superpowers, like terrain manipulation and seeing the world in wire frame mode. No, really. The best thing about all this craziness? There’s a sequel. Same basic game. About Mohammed. Talk about actual giant, steel-plated balls.
5. Doctor Who: Destiny of the Doctors
Released during that now so long-ago period when nobody cared about Doctor Who, this is a pitch-perfect example of how not to do a tie-in game. Playing not as the Doctor or a companion, but rather some rubbish alien called Graak, this most tedious of games was all about stamping around the infinite possibilities for boredom in the Doctor’s TARDIS on a fanfic-level quest to rescue his various personalities from the Master via the power of minigames and sheer bloodyminded endurance. Admittedly, it was more interesting than 2D platformer Dalek Attack, but only just. The only good thing in it was Anthony Ainley’s full-motion video pantomime introduction and ending videos, which some fans think of as setting up the failed American reboot. At least modern Doctor Who games are awesome, right? Right? Oh.
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We must bring order to the helmets!
Platform : DS, PSP
Publisher : Konami
Year : 2005
If ever there was a title that came straight out of the random grab-bag-o-nouns, it's this one. Pretty much lost me after "Frogger." |  |
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David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel.
Platform : Playstation, PC
Publisher : Taito
Year : 1998
Man, nothing says "fun" like a German philosophical term for an era in the dialectical progression of a people or the world at large. I wonder if it has tits! |  |
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| Twin Eagle: Revenge Joe's Brother | 48 |
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No, Joe.
Platform : Arcade
Publisher : Taito
Year : 1988
It's bad enough to name a helicopter Revenge Joe, but it's even worse when you claim it has a brother. And it's doubly worse when you consider that this is actually the first Twin Eagle game. Revenge for what? |  |
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A super-power it ain't.
Platform : Apple II, Commodore 64, PC
Publisher : Epyx
Year : 1983
From the Totally Out of Ideas department comes Jumpman. Let's see...there's a man, and he jumps... |  |
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| ASO: Armored Scrum Object | 46 |
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FYI: Unnecessary Abbreviation
Platform : Arcade
Publisher : SNK
Year : 1986
Why would they name a bland vertical shooter after some sort of futuristic Rugby ball? To make our list, of course. |  |
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I just figured out my porn star name.
Platform : Sega CD
Publisher : Sega
Year : 1995
Wild Woody was also the the star of this game, a bright yellow No. 2 pencil that threw sticks of dynamite. Welcome to the mascot graveyard. |  |
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Your eyes are like deep pools of Dihydrogen Monoxide.
Platform : Dreamcast
Publisher : Capcom
Year : 2000
This dorky Don Juan gets all the ladies with his smooth moves, great hair and modded Palm Pilot. |  |
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| Princess Tomato in Salad Kingdom | 43 |
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Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
Platform : NES
Publisher : Hudson Soft
Year : 1990
And then pretty much just skip the salad course, because this vegetable-themed adventure game had no meat. On the other hand, you gotta see the melons on that tomato. |  |
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Way past the far out.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Sony
Year : 1999
Sony goes one step beyond in their top-shelf RPG. Beyond what, you ask? Don't ask. Really. |  |
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| Silhouette Mirage: Reprogrammed Hope | 41 |
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Palette timid waffle.
Platform : Playstation, Saturn
Publisher : Working Designs
Year : 1999
We love the random word generator, too! Opted congestion substances source! Think wind recorder disrupt! |  |
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While my guitar gently screams WTF.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Sony
Year : 1999
This sequel to Parappa the Rapper took a confusing premise - you're a psychedelic lamb who plays guitar - and turned it absurd with this awkward title. |  |
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Attack of the lion-penguin-monkeys.
Platform : Dreamcast
Publisher : Infogrames
Year : 1999
You're a mutant penguin racing in the TriIcelon, which is just like a Triathlon, but colder. Believe it or not, we reviewed this one and STILL have no idea what the hell it's about. |  |
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To save Alfalfa?
Platform : SNES
Publisher : Natsume
Year : 1992
See, Spanky is a monkey. Spanky the monkey. SPANK THE MONKEY. Hey thanks, you're a great crowd! |  |
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| Cacoma Knight in Bizyland | 37 |
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Mind your bizness.
Platform : SNES
Publisher : SETA U.S.A.
Year : 1993
Sounds like an adventurous RPG, but the only thing getting bizy in this Qix ripoff is you. |  |
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B.A.D. A.C.R.O.N.Y.M.
Platform : NES
Publisher : Bandai
Year : 1986
Video games are chock full of bad acronyms, but Mattel and Bandai's old wrestling game - Millions of Unusual Small Creatures Lurking Everywhere - wins by submission. |  |
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Pass the vaseline.
Platform : Gizmondo
Publisher : Gizmondo Games
Year : 2005
The platform might have been a front for a mafia scam, but the games were real. Real filthy, that is. |  |
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70's Robot Anime Geppy-X:
The Super Boosted Armor | 34 |
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Wow.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Aroma
Year : 1999
We cheated a little on this one, since this side-scrolling robot shooter was a Japanese-only release, but with a title like that, it just had to be on the list. |  |
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God save the queen.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Jaleco
Year : 1998
Talk about low effort game naming. He's a skunk, he's extreme, and he loves The Misfits...so...hmmm...what to call him... |  |
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| Klonoa: Door to Phantomile | 32 |
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Doctor, it hurts when I pee...
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Namco
Year : 1997
That's because you've caught Klonoa, Jimmy, but don't worry, a shot of penicillin will clear that right up. |  |
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| Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino's Butt! | 31 |
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He does. Right in the butt.
Platform : Sega Genesis
Publisher : Tengen
Year : 1994
Fun fact: This is one of the first games to actually use digitized voice. Not so fun fact: Here's a dialogue snippet: Awesome Possum: "I'm awesome!"
Dr. Machino: "You’re not so awesome!"
You got that right. |  |
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Even Jesus can't save it.
Platform : PC
Publisher : N'Lightning
Year : 1997
A catechuman is a person receiving instruction in the Christian religion in order to be baptized, making the concept for this first-person shooter nearly as bad as its nigh unpronounceable name. |  |
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| World Soccer Winning Eleven 5: Final Evolution | 29 |
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The future is long-winded.
Platform : PS2
Publisher : Konami
Year : 2002
One ball, two numbers, seven words, fifteen syllables. How hard is it to just call the thing 'soccer'? |  |
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Worst...service...ever.
Platform : NES
Publisher : Taito
Year : 1992
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."
"AAAAHHHHH!!!! A f*ckin fly?! NOOOO!!! WHYYY! Now everything is ruined! Quick, call the police! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" |  |
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Ja wohl, mein hammenfuhrer.
Platforms : Commodore 64, Amstrad CPC
Publisher : CRL
Year : 1987
Let the turtles be ninjas and let the hamsters just be hamsters, please. And is it me, or is that rodent wearing a Hitler moustache while doing a little Sieg Heil salute? |  |
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He sure is and they sure are.
Platform : N64
Publisher : Acclaim
Year : 1998
Iggy the ball stars in this oddly misspelled racing game. We're just glad he's not "wreckin" balls, because that sounds terribly painful. |  |
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I dare you to squeeze their cheeks.
Platforms : NES
Publisher : Nihon Busson
Year : 1987
Though the Japanese are traditionally obsessed with panties, they switched gears in this top-down action romp. Should have been subtitled Tits for Tots. |  |
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Avoid the Noid.
Platforms : NES, Arcade
Publisher : Capcom
Year : 1990
Plenty of companies have used video games as thinly veiled advertising vehicles. Chester Cheetah had two games, and those talking M&M's had four. But none had a title as stupid as this one from the doomed Domino's Pizza mascot. |  |
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| Lee Trevino's Fighting Golf | 23 |
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Fore, bitch!
Platforms : NES, Arcade
Publisher : SNK
Year : 1988
No sport promotes fighting like golf does. Wait a second - no it doesn't, and there's no fighting in Fighting Golf either, just golf. WTF? |  |
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| Astro Fang: Super Machine | 22 |
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Makes thousands of julienne fries!
Platform : NES
Publisher : A Wave
Year : 1989
It's a racing game, it's a can opener, it removes stubborn stains and it melts away those extra pounds like magic! But wait, there's more! No, there's not! |  |
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You can say that again.
Platform : PC
Publisher : CDV
Year : 2002
Bringing the term "God complex " to retarded new heights, this recent RPG's titular redundancy is truly unholy. |  |
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| Eggs of Steel: Charlie's Eggcellent Adventure | 20 |
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The yolk's on us.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Atlus
Year : 1998
Another one from the Over-Pun archives. Help Charlie the Egg save the giant factory! Ugh. We always knew too many eggs were bad for you. |  |
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| Barkley: Shut Up And Jam! | 19 |
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I want QUIET! AND SLAM DUNKS!
Platform : Genesis
Publisher : Accolade
Year : 1993
Part command, part suggestion. We keep waiting for Kenny Smith to scream this at a babbling, incoherent Sir Charles during a TNT broadcast. |  |
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Starring Ron Jeremy.
Platforms : PC
Publisher : Activision
Year : 1989
There's nothing like getting a little tongue from the fatman, which is precisely what this bizarre yet nauseating fighting game delivered. At least it didn't have John Madden in it. |  |
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| Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together | 17 |
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Have you hugged an ogre today?
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Atlus
Year : 1997
Solidarity with ogres was definitely a key issue for whomever came up with the title for this turn-based strategy game. Either that or they were on ecstasy. |  |
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| Rosco McQueen - Firefighter Extreme | 16 |
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Flame on.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Psygnosis
Year : 1997
Rosco is hot stuff in his his most extremely flaming video game yet! And when he whips out his hose, you'll burn with the desire to play with it! |  |
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One is the loneliest number.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Squaresoft
Year : 1996
Especially in this case, since nobody outside of Japan ever saw another Tobal game. Maybe they should have taken a clue from George Lucas and started with No. 4... |  |
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I think George Bush gets these.
Platform : PC
Publisher : Infogrames
Year : 1998
Do you love the smell of napalm in the morning? Like, really, really love it? So do the overstimulated dorks behind this atrocious strategy game. |  |
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| GOLF Magazine Presents 36 Great Holes Starring Fred Couples | 13 |
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I wonder what this game is about?
Platform : Sega 32X
Publisher : Sega
Year : 1994
Sponsor? Check. Number of Holes? Check. Quality of Holes? Check. Pro Endorsement? Check. Our attention span? Checked out three holes ago. |  |
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RLY TRRBLE NME
Platform : NES
Publisher : Hudson Soft
Year : 1989
This side-scrolling shooter takes place just after a nuclear holocaust. The survivors must have mutated a second tongue, because they named their new nation XEXYZ. |  |
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| No One Can Stop Mr. Domino! | 11 |
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Especially if you tip him over.
Platforms : Playstation
Publisher : Acclaim
Year : 1998
Artdink has made lots of weird games, but this is their most threatening. Mr. Domino knows where you live, bitch! | | | | | | | | |  |
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Like, awesomely bad name, dude.
Platform : NES
Publisher : Jaleco
Year : 1991
In this platformer, regular Californian dude Jake is given magical powers to go save the bodacious babe, Allison. The resulting lesson: never, ever, let the marketing department name your game. Gnarly. |  |
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| James Pond II: Codename RoboCod | 9 |
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A wet pun.
Platforms : Genesis, Game Boy Advance
Publisher : EA
Year : 1991
Fishing for compliments? Hehehe. Searching for sole? For sole - get it? Hey, you're still a great crowd! |  |
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D'oh!
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Psygnosis
Year : 1998
"Psydeck" would have been fine, but they just had to add an extraneous "ba" to screw it up. In case you wondered what would happen if you asked Homer Simpson to name your hoverboard video game, now you know. Saxamaphone. |  |
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Two great tastes that make no sense together.
Platform : NES
Publisher : Hudson Soft
Year : 1984
Hey! You got your nuts in my milk! Hey! You got your milk on my nuts! Mmmmm. |  |
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Dutch physicists have all the fun.
Platform : PC
Publisher : Microforum
Year : 1999
Spoiler Warning: Each point of an advancing wave front is in fact the center of a fresh disturbance and the source of a new train of waves; and the advancing wave as a whole may be regarded as the sum of all the secondary waves arising from points in the medium already traversed. Sign us up! |  |
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| Bad Dudes vs. Dragon Ninja | 5 |
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Dumb names vs. your quarters.
Platforms : Arcade, NES, Apple II, PC, Amiga
Publisher : Data East
Year : 1988
If you were worried about these dudes taking on the Dragon Ninja, don't. They're bad in a good way. Unlike their title, which is bad in a terrible way. |  |
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| Pesterminator: The Western Exterminator | 4 |
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I'll be back...with Raid!
Platform : NES
Publisher : Color Dreams
Year : 1990
This lame side-scroller was based on Kernel Kleanup, a mascot of the real life Western Exterminator Company. They should be squished for this horrific naming transgression. |  |
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| Mobile Suit Gundam: Gundam vs. Zeta Gundam | 3 |
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Gundam, spam, eggs, and gundam.
Platform : Playstation 2
Publisher : Namco
Year : 2005
A gundam is a giant robot, and there are plenty of them battling it out in this game. There are plenty of them battling it out in the title, too. Malkovich malkovich. |  |
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And if it lives, shoot it again!
Platform : PC
Publisher : Broderbund
Year : 1989
Excellent advice, but we have some, too - don't let your title double as the instruction manual for, like, a thousand other games. |  |
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And we have a winner. Please pass the ointment.
Platform : Playstation
Publisher : Jaleco
Year : 1999
While it's refreshingly honest that the game actually tells you that it's irritating before you buy it, as a name, it's terrible. It's so bad, in fact, that we bought a copy about five years ago and haven't opened it because we don't want to. Because it's irritating. |  |
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